Silence and Solitude

I have come to go, to fly away, and do so forever. This going away, the feeling that this world, this embodiment, is a prison was always in me from the very beginning. I always felt claustrophobic in this existence. Family, friendship, relatives, culture and convention and conviction, I disliked all of it from the very beginning. I lived for a moment to come in which I disappear into thin air, at last free from the heavy burden of having to have a family and friends.

I have this tendency to doodle a lot when I am bored. I doodle aimlessly; but always at the end I would be surprised to find at the heart of all of my aimless doodling the shape of a flying bird. The flying bird shows up in all my work; I wouldn’t be able to draw a flying bird consciously; but what comes unconsciously is always that beautiful flying bird, as if my subconscious has to remind me of Sophia Perennis. And to fly, to go, is the love of my life. As a child I dreamed of going to space; people thought I wanted to be an astronaut; but I just wanted to go to space, to its remotest depths, and just float freely. I wished so that after I died they would shoot my body into deep space, so it can go forever, always going and going. This is what I desire: To go, to fly away, to be out of this suffocating existence whose worst nightmares are family and relatives and friends, etc.

My best hours, my happiest moments, are in silence and solitude. I hate to belong to anything, to anyone, to any idea, and even to myself. I am still counting down to that precious moment in which I will disappear into thin air. I love this life for its silence and solitude only; the rest is bad news.

I am that bird who is born to fly away, and never to settle down. Man is born inside a deep well, where family resides. His task is to climb up and free himself forever. There is a rope and that is my mantra. I wish to fly away and never to look back. I belong only in deep space with its absolute freedom. I have come to be liberated. What use is of this world with its family and gold! I want none of it; I need none of it. I am not of this world, for if I were I would not be born to fly away. And this wish I bore within me from childhood. I want only the intoxication of silence and solitude in which I know I am forever pure, infinite, and free, touched by nothing and no one, for I am the eternal lotus.

13 thoughts on “Silence and Solitude

  1. As a bird longing for freedom, I know that you may not appreciate me asking but are you alright? My heart is breaking for you but I understand if you don’t answer. Maybe this was a literary description and I am reading too much into it? My prayers are with you as you do whatever you are doing. I have been missing you for the last couple of weeks. There’s more but our “friendship” is tenuous but real, very real to me.

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    1. Dear writersdream9, thanks for your asking. I am quite alright, actually in a good mood peaceful mood, though in a different place than where I usually write metaphysical stuff. But as you said it was somewhat literary description of this mood. I did not mean at all to undermine the kinds of friendships I have with you and with dear people who read and comment. These are beyond friendship since I see them and you as scattered part of one Self. The company of holy men and women indeed, of which I never have enough. But this past months some family engagements made me very tired; I just like to think and talk about divine matters as we do here and especially with you. But family as I know, and relatives and the kind of relationships I have around are all trivial, insignificant, and irrelevant to what matters. I was a little overwhelmed by that and this piece was more a reflection of that. When it comes to people who are holy and think of god and truth all the time, such as yourself, it is to me more than friendship; it is communion of Self and itself. So please don’t take this piece directed toward you or any dear people who I know here. I never personally felt any connection to blood relations 🙂

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      1. Believe me, I totally understand detachment from one’s family of origin, ugh! I was just worried about you and was afraid of treading on your desire for quiet and peace. I guess I realized just how important you have become to me on a real and spiritual level. God bless. You are a very good writer, in a lot of so important ways!

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  2. I’ve missed your comments lately. Glad to see you back writing again, authentic and raw. I don’t worry about you in the slightest, you’re much more sane than most of us :).

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  3. narayana.dear tomaj. my dear love. the post is a heart rending music and oasis.every word of this nature will be from mind level. but the silence and solitude is absolute.the relationship which u talk of are the true gods we should be thanking profusely. but for them we would not have moved out of the regular worldly aspects.i don’t know how to put words in order so that i can explain the ecstasy of silence and solitude i stay in whenever i read ur posts. well keep good health in tune with required strength to fly as u wish. salutations and unconditioned love.

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  4. Sometimes our words are a balm for the emotions we’ve let well within. I so understood every word you wrote as have known that feeling so much in my life. Yet, also carry within me many contradictions to which I succumbed and have created my own prisons of obligations, responsibilities, and relationships. But, then I remind myself that this all is a dream – I am just playing a role for a moment – in the span of eternity. Then I can smile and continue on – knowing that this consciousness energy is always aflight.

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